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Why the sad faces, dear patrons? You say those mean ol’ student loan people garnished your whole tax refund? Or was it the child support that gobbled up your paycheck? Addicted to scratch-off lotto tickets and nasal spray? Well, Mr. Mephisto understands what it’s like to eke out a living on peanuts–heck, that’s how most carnies were paid during the Great Depression. Back in those days, it cost 3 pails of peanuts a month to rent a tin shack down by the railroad tracks, and another pail if you wanted one with amenities like your own corncob-on-a-string… ah, but I digress. At Super Fun Cave, we have rides and amusements to suit any budget, and to ensure that everyone can get in on some Super Fun, we’ve recently slashed the prices on some products that are sure to blow your mind, kick-start your faluzy, put superlatives in your superscrazal, etc, etc.
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Are you nearly ready for New Year’s Eve, dear patrons? If you plan on being the host or hostess with the mostest, you’re going to need party favors for all of your guests. Some guests might be party animals by nature, whereas others may be party vegetables; in any case, Floories Exotics has capsules to suited to everyone’s individual tastes and temperaments. All capsules contain a generous amount of potent kratom, and are blended with alternately stimulating or relaxing herbs, such as kava kava, kanna and blue lotus.
If you’ve been curious to try these herbal curiosities, don’t delay: from today (December 27th, 2012) until Thursday, January 3rd, 2013, all Floories Exotics capsules in stock (Gorrito, Konkey, Slothapuss, and Snark) are 5% off, by using the code FLOORIES5 in the coupon box at checkout. Now, did you hear the one about the beaver who walked into the bar? He said, “hey, where’s the bar tender?” Get it? Ewe know Mr. Mephisto loves his terribull animal puns, owl stop now.
Step right up dear patrons, and behold our humble carnival’s latest animal attractions, all the way from the distant shores of Hyland Island. Though they may appear frightening and outlandish, I assure you that they’re fully domesticated, and friendlier than a wet dog. And how did Mr. Mephisto manage to tame these savage beasts? With a secret mixture of herbs culled from the deepest jungles… aw, heck, I’ll just tell you: I used (in varying quantities) kratom, kanna root, kava kava, and blue lotus. And now, without further ado, I present to you (drumroll, please) the Floories Exotics!
To your right, is the hulking Goritto (kratom, kava kava, and kanna root)! He’s got the confidence and swagger of a mighty gorilla, and practically buzzes with enthusiasm and energy. He’s the life of the party, and is gainfully employed on the side as a luggage tester.
Next, train your eyes on the Konkey (kratom and kava kava). This playful critter is a truly faithful companion, capable of shouldering burdens, schlepping stuff around, and staying cheerful in spite of the constant kvetching of others. Now, if only I had a few more of these konkeys, I’d fire each and every one of these layabout carnies! Relax, I’m just joking… now look busy!
Speaking of layabouts, watch carefully for the somnambulant Slothapuss (kratom and blue lotus), as he doesn’t move much from his place in the shade! This bizarre cross between a sloth and a platypus would rather idle away his days lazily dreaming than do anything remotely resembling work. Like my assistant Clancy, except better-looking.
This brings us to our final attraction, the elusive Snark (kratom and kanna root)! Though you might expect a half-shark, half-snake to be a fearsome creature, he’s really quite agreeable, especially if you’ve got some of his favorite leafy green herbs on hand.
Should you or any other wild beasts in your acquaintance (speaking in the figurative sense, of course) wish to have a bit more vim and vigor, a more positive outlook, or freedom from worries or stress, visit the gift shop on the way out, and be sure to pick up a pack of these Floories Exotics capsules. Hey, what do you get when you cross a skunk and a duck? A fowl smell! I kill me, dear patrons… alright, move along.