Whoa! Wow! What? Here’s what happened.

Hi there.

No doubt many of you are wondering “what the hell happened to Super Fun Cave and did it have anything to do with ‘Project Synergy'”?

Yeah, sure did. Here’s what happened and here’s why it was terrible.

At 10:30 a.m. Wednesday morning, we were going to work just like any normal day. Orders to fill, awareness to spread, lives to improve. Unfortunately, meeting us at the door was a squad of 20+ armed goons from the FBI and local task forces. They cuffed us, threw us into the back of a wagon, and proceeded to rip our business to pieces. They stole our inventory, our computers, our cars. Hell, they even took the memory card out of our Nintendo 3DS.

After six hours of bagging and labeling inventory, interrogation, and belittling, they left. No one at Super Fun Cave was arrested and no one has been charged. Remember that, it makes a difference.

So what happened? We don’t know for sure. The goons didn’t tell us much of anything, aside from the fact that we’re lowly scum and suspected of wrong doing. Here’s what we’ve pieced together:

The FBI was relying on weird information that was also crazy old. They rained fire down on our humble carnival because they suspected, wrongly, that we were trafficking synthetic drug analogs, specifically bath salts. Super Fun Cave customers know this is stupid. Really, really stupid, and the FBI and others are really wrong.

Here’s why: Because we don’t sell synthetic drug analogs! Because we aren’t in collusion with anyone who does! Duh! If you’ve bought a product from us assuming that they are, in fact, loaded with research chemicals, you were bound to be disappointed. We don’t deal in that stuff and we never will. We sell innovative and natural (or naturally derived) products. Great stuff, but hardly “controlled substance analogs”.

Admittedly, some of our products that might be confused for such things (’cause of the packaging), but they do not contain any hidden research chemicals of any sort. No tongue and cheek wordplay; when we say natural, we mean it. You know what’s in them because we require, per FDA law, for every company to disclose every ingredient, active or otherwise. You need to know what’s in every product, every time. We do this so everyone can make a smart decision regarding what they’ve purchased and for the purposes of harm reduction. We don’t want anyone to get hurt. We’ve assembled a large database which explains nearly every ingredient in detail and we provide this information online for your safety and convenience. We spot test products to guarantee against adulteration and we work closely with manufacturers to guarantee that the products we sell are prepared responsibly and with due diligence. Many of these manufacturers are not just business affiliates, they’re close friends, and they’ve pledged their support in whatever way we need it to rebuild and armor up for the coming war.

Rest assured, we will be back. Soon and stronger than ever. A huge thanks to all of our customers who have expressed undying support for Super Fun Cave and our wonderful staff. We love you, you help to make us strong. Thank you for your patience.

A big thanks to Lazy Botanicals, Hizzen Naturals, Captain Amsterdam, Mayan Kratom, Dark Matter, Mr Nice Guy Vape, Kaboom Kratom, Cotton Mouth Candy,  and countless others who have pledged their unconditional support to help in this fight. The American government wrongly crushed an honest, tax paying business on nothing more than the hunch that we were up to no good. The brutal way that they hurt us, our families, our friends, (even our pets) will not be tolerated. We were not doing anything remotely illegal and we do not live in a country where excessive police force is acceptable.

To the FBI, Kalamazoo Valley Task Force, Pennsylvanian and Michigan police, the DEA, and others: You should be ashamed of yourselves. What you’ve done is wrong. We were the good guys, we are innocent. Be prepared for war.

 

Love,

Mister Mephisto and his Carnies

 

 

NEW Experience Herbal Solids and Smoking Blends!

Cahoots

So you say you’d like to join Mr. Mephisto’s humble carnival, dear patron? What unique talents or skills can you bring to the table? Did you earn a degree from an accredited, four-year carny college? Have you ever been fired from a cannon? Swallowed a lightbulb whole? Can you juggle, walk on stilts, walk the tightrope, and bite the heads off of live chickens–at the same time? Ho ho ho, relax. It’s alright if you don’t have any experience, we all started out in the trenches as hapless gazoonies and roustabouts. Now here, take this squeegee and apron, and get to work hosing down the peepshow booths. Keep your nose clean kid, and you’ll go far…

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NEW: Mr.Nice Guy Vape e-cigs and more!

Ego-C

Ah dear patrons, it’s lazy summer days like this that I like to recline in my folding chair on the midway, watch the cotton candy clouds drift past, and daydream about all of life’s myriad possibilities. You know what would be Super-nice? Deep-fried rainbows, caramel carousels, or maybe even sabre-tooth tiger steak sandwiches? A date with the Four-legged Lady, or at very least, a working pair of x-ray spex like the kind in funnybook ads, so’s I can check out what goodies she’s hiding under those bloomers. Yowza! Well, a clown can dream, and I can still relax with some nice, cheap hooch and a smooth cigarette dangling from betwixt my fingers.

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SALE: Buy One, Get One Free Hizzen Energy Gems!

1newproductgems

Fo’ shizzen, my nizzens, have we got a sale for you: buy any two Hizzen Energy Gems, get the second one free. Absolutely no promo codes, no strings or smoke and mirrors, just an easy-as-pie discount that’s automatically applied at checkout. What more could you want, dear patrons? Hoverboards, like the kind in Back to the Future, Part 2? Uh, sure, we’ll get right on that.

So what’s so great about Witches Wrath, Goblins Fury, and Wizards Fire, for those of you not hip to them already? Glad I asked! These nifty gems made from buzz button extract, raspberry ketones, PEA (Phenethylamine), and other natural and unnatural ingredients neatly dissolve in 2 liters of water, and the resultant elixir will give you enough energy to run all the way to Middle Earth and back, all while battling hordes of orcs and ringwraiths and what not. Of course, you could also stay home and play table tennis, if that’s your thing. Just be careful, because they’re made of potent stuff–avoid caffeine or other energy drinks or supplements for a full 24 hours after enjoying the exhilarating effects of Hizzen Energy Gems.

So what are you waiting for, chums? Get the lead out and get your Hizzen Energy Gems while they’re hot, because this sale only lasts until this weekend is over (June 9th). If you’re reading this Ballyhoo post after this ship has already sailed, turn that frown upside down–we’ve got sales galore, and a brand-spanking new line of mind-blowing Hizzen products slated for release in the very near future. Stay tuned, dearest patrons.

 

NEW: Blaze it Up!

Blaze it Up!

Blaze it up, you say? Let’s do it to it, dear patrons! Watch in amazement and hold on to your seats with a white-knuckled grip, as our world-famous daredevil motorcyclist Jimmy Flame jumps his stunt cycle through a series of consecutively smaller flaming hoops, all while his trademark skull helmet is set ablaze with napalm! I don’t know about you, but the suspense is just burning me up–I think I’ll soothe my inflamed nerves with some smooth tokes of Lazy Botanicals‘ latest and greatest hot new smoking blend, Blaze it Up, made from a nicotine-free mixture of traditional smoking herbs such as lobellia, kanna, and passiflora. These exotic ingredients have been smoked for thousands of years, to effectively ease stress, as well as stimulate the senses and enhance spiritual awareness.  And of course, the inclusion of kanna in this blend makes it a potent potentiator for other stuff you may like to pack in your pipe.

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