NEW: Variety Packs!
You look a bit bored, dear patron. What’s the matter, nothing good on the ol’ interwebs today? Perhaps there is more to life than Facebooking it up, and free porn and cute cat pictures. Mr. Mephisto thinks you just need some more variety in your life, and that’s one thing our humble carnival provides in spades. Weep and wallow in misery no more; I present for your consideration our amazing new Variety Packs, guaranteed to kick-start your cerebral cortex for a mere fraction of the cost of electroconvulsive therapy.
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NEW Mega-Bliss Caps!
Can you see the angels above, clad in bright motley and sitting on sparkling cotton candy clouds? And can you hear the strains of sweet calliope music all around, and smell the ambrosial scent of corn dogs wafting on the breeze? What’s that, dear patron? No, I haven’t died and gone to carny heaven–I’m just grooving on these heavenly new Mega-Bliss Caps, Dark Matter’s newest and most euphoric supplement to date!
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NEW: Kratom Therapy products!
Several weeks ago, tragedy struck our humble carnival: our vintage spinning coaster “The Fun Factory” inexplicably malfunctioned, and ground several dozen screaming patrons into human hamburger between its gears and pistons, before collapsing into a smoldering wreck. I was positively disconsolate, dear patrons… (sniff!) I loved that ride! I wasn’t sure if I could soldier on any longer as this carnival’s manager and ringmaster. Then my old friend Krato the Clown suggested that I seek therapy. I asked, shock therapy? Primal scream therapy? Conversion therapy? Krato simply chuckled, and explained that I simply needed Kratom Therapy, some of the best and strongest 100% organically-grown kratom on the market.
NEW: Unspillable Pocket Bubbler!
Is that a bong in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? Surely there are better ways to enjoy a smooth, water-cooled toke on the go than stuffing a water pipe down your shorts. Step inside Super Fun Cave’s new tent of glass curiosities, dear patron. Your host Mr. Mephisto has got just the pipe for you: the amazing Unspillable Pocket Bubbler!
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NEW: All-glass bubblers!
As a young clown just getting his feet wet in show business, one of my first gigs was working as a stagehand on the Lawrence Welk Show. I was hired to “make the bubbles”. After the opening credits rolled, and Mr. Welk saw me puffing away on a glass water pipe backstage, he had some burly German guys in suits unceremoniously toss me by my pants into the alley behind the studio. How was I to know what the heck he was talking about? Anyways, it seems that the stuffy Mr. Welk loosened up a bit in later decades. Good for him!
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